Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

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Anne Elder
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Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Wed Aug 09, 2017 9:42 pm

Hi all,
this is a song I wrote last summer to a FAWM challenge in 2016 (use an interrogative as a theme for a song) and I kind of like it. It is one of the songs I'm trying to learn performing and while last year I only hacked the chords into Band-in-a-box and recorded it, this year I've applied a fingerpicking pattern to it I can play and ... wrote my first melodic hook to one of my songs with guitar :) Still need to practice playing that a bit before I can present it to you.

Lyrics, I think they mostly work (100% fiction), I'm still not at a point that I'm totally happy with any of my lyrics.

I'm posting the lyrics right now for comments (and hope to find last years recording (cause I know it's easier to comment on a song with recording)). http://files.fawmers.com/FAWM_16/tootoo ... M_2016.mp3

If any of the lyrics sounds strange to your ears, please tell me! I think the last line of verse 2 is strange and tried to change it, but did not find a nice rhyming word instead of "grand". I'd like to keep this word, but I'm totally open to change the other words of the line :)

Then, it would be great if you could tell me what you like best and what you like least, if you like it at all and if you think it's one of my better or rather not so good songs/lyrics.

Structure is a bit strange but the song asked for it and I won't change it ;)

Em D C
Oh Why - did I go to that party at all?
/G Em/ D C G
Wasn’t a friend of mine and I was tired as hell
Em D C
Oh Why - didn’t I leave right away?
/G Em/ D C G
Those boring folks wasting time were hardly to bear
G Em D C
And why - did you chat up with me
G G
to let all this madness begin?

Oh why - didn't you move in with me?
When love still young and nothing was in between
Oh why - didn’t I just say yes?
When you proposed that lovely night out on the lake
And why - didn’t we just take the chance
to let our love grow (into) something grand?

Oh why - did argues replace our kiss’s?
Fighting about all these little pieces of shit
Oh why - did suspicion creep in our life?
Chasing away the last butterflies
And why - did I let you go
did I let you go?

Fmaj7 Em D C Fmaj7 Em
Oh why - does the earth move - without you?
D C G
When my world is falling apart

Em G
Ohh why


Anne

Tom Veitch
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Tom Veitch » Thu Aug 10, 2017 8:39 am

Hi Anne,

I remember this from last year. I think melodically it's one of your best and I can see why you chose it to pick on guitar.

There are a few problems with the lyrics in the last verse.

The main one is that argues is not a noun in English i'ts a third person verb as in he argues, the noun would be arguments which of course does't fit.
I'm not keen on the second line either but that is less important

Another one is that I think lives is better than life, both are correct grammatically. Lives is better with butterflies.

I think replace the in with into "into our lives"

Suggestion
" Oh why did we argue instead of just kiss
Fighting about stupid things such as this"

I'm not suggesting you use these actual words, you need to "Elderise" the phrases.

I'd love to hear your guitar version,

Tom

PS I've edited this about five times, I should have thought it through before I started. "Walk before you run, Tom!

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:16 pm

Tom Veitch wrote:The main one is that argues is not a noun in English i'ts a third person verb as in he argues, the noun would be arguments which of course does't fit.


:shock: Thanks for pointing this out! Could I just replace it by another word, like "disputes" or "quarrel", "row" does not fit since it's only one sillable. Or even "insults", "cusses/curses", "mean words"

What word would you normally use in English?

Understood that you don't like the second line either 8-)

Anne

Tom Veitch
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Tom Veitch » Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:21 pm

Hi,

I like quarrels, mean words, insults or curses, but not disputes or cusses. ( Well as words for this song not really in life :) )

Disputes is a bit formal, I could probably have a dispute with a neighbour, another motorist, or a legal dispute. And cusses is American slang, OK in other songs but possibly not right in this song?

Tom

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Thu Aug 10, 2017 11:29 pm

Tom, how do you like this:

Oh why - did quarrels replace our kiss’s?
Fighting about stupid trifles and shit

Tom Veitch
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Location: Scotland

Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Tom Veitch » Fri Aug 11, 2017 8:49 am

Hi,

That works for me if it works for you/ A definite improvement without compromising your original intention,

Tom

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:17 pm

OK, probably go for something like this, "quarrel" is horrible to sing though and - I somehow agree to you - the sh*t rhyme stands out from the rest of the song a bit. But after all I could change or improve it anytime I feel like it (or get a better idea).

How about the "let our love grow something grand" (can't sing the "into", to many syllables)? It does sound strange to my ears. But I like the sound of it (and of course don't have any idea how to change it). Do you think I can leave it?

Anne

Tom Veitch
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Tom Veitch » Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:16 pm

Hi,

I think you can keep it, a bit of poetic licence is allowed in a song.

if you are looking for another near rhyme romance works?

Tom

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:55 pm

Romance ... feels a bit too cheesy at the moment, but I keep it in mind. Thanks a lot Tom!

OK now I need to get back to practicing ;)

Tom Veitch
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Location: Scotland

Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Tom Veitch » Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:12 am

Romance ... feels a bit too cheesy at the moment, but I keep it in mind. Thanks a lot Tom!


You obviously are more romantic than I am, :) I thought along the lines of using it in a negative way to suit the song along the lines of "ill-fated, disastrous, star crossed" etc.

You can rely on a "Romantic Scottish Male" for a negative point of view :D

Tom


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