Odds and Ends UPDATED

Post songs here that you are currently working on and need help improving the song by the other members ("normal" feedback on songs is always given also in all other forums)
janepahr
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 7:18 am

Odds and Ends UPDATED

Postby janepahr » Sun Apr 02, 2017 1:06 pm

https://soundcloud.com/shaktimusic-1/od ... s2/s-J9NY3
NEW UPDATED VERSIOn
Odds and Ends ©Jane Ralston Pahr

Baby shoes Never used
Saved for a day that never came
A broken umbrella
From the day
that we got soaked in the rain
You said you had to go
couldn't stand the pain
No use askin
Who was to blame

Odds and ends
Nothing matches
but everything has its place
Bits and pieces of time
No one can erase
Odds and ends
Memory snatches
what's the chances in this room that I'll find
Peace of mind

A dented bell that still rings (A broken heart that still sings)
Bits and pieces of string (An old guitar missing strings)
Woven together an offering
Patchwork quilt of a life

Looking for something (Bittersweet)
I don't know what (Remembering)
something (What we thought)
Lost but not forgot (we would be)

Odds and ends
Nothing matches
but everything has its place
Bits and pieces of time
No one can erase
Odds and ends
Memory snatches
what's the chances in this room that I'll find
Peace of mind
Last edited by janepahr on Tue May 09, 2017 4:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CaliaMoko
Posts: 55
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2015 8:39 pm

Re: Odds and Ends

Postby CaliaMoko » Mon Apr 03, 2017 1:22 am

Kind of relaxed melancholy feel, suitable to the lyric. I don't have much for feedback. I did notice a couple things, but I have a tendency to super pickiness and most people may not notice. First is the line: "what's the chances in this room that I'll find". It you write out the first contraction, you have, "What is the chances in this room that I'll find" which, of course, you wouldn't say. You'd say "What are the chances..."

Second is the same line...it's in an unusual order. Normally, it would be said, "What are the chances I'll find peace of mind in this room?" Of course, that won't work in this case, so you would have to rewrite it, if you wanted to "fix" it.

These are just my opinions, of course. If they're helpful, that's to my benefit. If not, just ignore. :D

Nita Nevara
Posts: 234
Joined: Sun Nov 30, 2014 10:40 am
Location: Lyon, France

Re: Odds and Ends

Postby Nita Nevara » Mon Apr 03, 2017 4:28 pm

Hello Jane, nice to hear from you again :)

It's a lovely song. The imagery is very efficient in the first verse and the chorus (maybe a little less in the 2nd), and the musical atmosphere is quite in harmony with the lyrical one. What I'm about to say is close to sheer pickiness (is that even a word? :oops: )

In the chorus, the "no one can erase" sentence sounds a little out of place given the mood of the song. This song is very intimate, within one person and one room full of those things of the past, and it's the only place in the song (in the present - there is the "you" as well, but it's from the past) the exterior world intervenes in, even formulated through an impossibility. Maybe "Time fails to erase" instead?

Also, in the out of place, the pain mentioned in the first verse stands out. It's mentioned but almost feels like a placeholder. No development, no follow-up, no link to the other emotions - or, possibly, none that thick me can perceive ;)

Like Vicki, I cringed at "what's the chances", but maybe it's an accepted spoken form so I wouldn't have said it on my own.

User avatar
Anne Elder
Posts: 828
Joined: Sun Nov 16, 2014 10:36 pm
Location: Mainz, Germany

Re: Odds and Ends

Postby Anne Elder » Mon Apr 03, 2017 9:07 pm

Hi Jane,
lovely song :) Beautiful piano and melody and strong images in the lyrics. I also like the "double"chorus with the odds and ends returning. Overall, the music matches the melancholic atmosphere very well.

I agree to Vicki, "what's the chances in this room" sounds strange, I think though, the "peace of mind is positioned well in the last line. Maybe you try to find a different expression like "guess in this xx room I'll never find - peace of mind"

You sang different lyrics in the second half of your verses. Which are your preferred ones? Those sung or those posted above?

Anne

janepahr
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Apr 14, 2016 7:18 am

Re: Odds and Ends

Postby janepahr » Fri Apr 14, 2017 4:03 pm

Cali and Nita, Anne..."what's the chances in this room ..." Could change to singular "what's the chance in this room". The first sound sore collquial to me but see your point. Anne, I sang the wrong words , the ones written are the current lyric. Anyone have any suggestions for V2 images I'm am bit stuck...guess I should do the 3 boxes ;)


Return to “Work in Progress Songs”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests