Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Mon Aug 14, 2017 9:55 pm

...the quarrels just died the "simply non-singable" death ...

Oh why - did fighting replace our kiss’s?
Arguing about petty/only trifles and shit


"Petty" is an endangered species as well ... :evil:

PS: I'm determined to get this one posted by next weekend :evil:

Nita Nevara
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Location: Lyon, France

Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Nita Nevara » Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:55 pm

Hello Anne,

In this lyric, I sense a few fragilities here and there. Tom told you about "argues" (for which I'd suggest "fights", simply enough), and I noticed a couple others:

Anne Elder wrote:Oh Why - didn’t I leave right away?
Those boring folks wasting time were hardly to bear
Hardly (adverb) is incorrect. Hard is the correct form, but I would use a different sentence : like "were getting on my nerves".
And why - did you chat up with me
to let all this madness begin?
"Chat up with me"? I might stand corrected on this, but I've never heard it like this. "Chat me up"?
And "kiss's" (kisses), but that's just spelling and doesn't change the sound.

On the rest, I don't think the structure is weird, I actually think it's strong with this "oh why" motif. On the narrative however, I have my doubts. In the second verse, the event is that he doesn't move in with you, then proposes (????) and you turn him down. But it is not clear the reason it all goes downhill after that. One expecting too much (in that case, which) or simply getting tired with each other ("chasing away the LAST butterflies")?

For verse 3 I agree with Tom. Not gonna bring any input on romance and cheesy though (I have my ideas but I try not to overstep this "if it were me" mark too much ;) )

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Tue Aug 15, 2017 4:47 pm

Hi Nita,
thank you so for your comments!! I might not find a solution to all of them in the near future (see below) but I'll keep your points in mind. I also choose or reject words because of their sound, so it's often difficult to just change one word by a synonym and more changes are needed.

Think I start with "the boxes" ;) It's all about, why did things happen the way they did, could life not have taken another turn and leave the narrator in a happier state of mind.

1. Lovestory starts, against some odds; (singing it more often, I think the party thing stretches out too much compared to the rest of the song, the "boring folks"-line is the weakest of all, it might disappear sooner or later)

2. Both of them made mistakes, being too careful, not making commitments, so she asked him to move in with her but he hesitates, later he regretted his reaction and proposed, this time she hesitated, they missed their chances to show the other their true feelings

3. End of relation, breakup (after all disappointing moments (hurting both of them and weakening their love), now fighting and even suspicion, --> fatal blow)

Looking at the song as a whole I like the boxes, the structure and the music and some of the lines (not all), but I also know some of the words and lines are not so great. Not sure if this can be turned in really good lyrics at all but this is not my focus at the moment. As you know I'm focussed on learning performing and for that I need some OK songs, do a guitar arrangement and learn to play and sing them.

I asked for a proof read of the lyrics so that there are no obvious mistakes but otherwise live with a couple of compromises in the lyrics for the time being. I think since there are so few lines in the song and all lines have to be "why" questions, it's quite difficult to condense a whole story into it and some of it will remain cryptic.

"Chat up": found it in my online dictionary but never heard it either, just a dictionary word maybe.
"barely": hmm, of course you're right but "hard to bear" does not sing well
"Kiss's": trying to make a mono syllabic word out of it, but I sing "kisses" anyway, I can just correct the written words
"fights": well, moved from "argues" to "quarrels" to "fighting" ;) in the meantime. "fighting" sounds better in the line than fights

OK open issues, hopefully I can once present you a nicely arranged and performed song that shines with the lyrics as well ;) (but maybe I just write some new lyrics, once I'm through with my basics in performing project)

Anne

Nita Nevara
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Joined: Sun Nov 30, 2014 10:40 am
Location: Lyon, France

Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Nita Nevara » Tue Aug 15, 2017 5:52 pm

Anne Elder wrote:Hi Nita,
thank you so for your comments!! I might not find a solution to all of them in the near future (see below) but I'll keep your points in mind. I also choose or reject words because of their sound, so it's often difficult to just change one word by a synonym and more changes are needed.

Yes, I rarely change a word simply for a synonym either. I'm very careful about sonorities. But as I said I can't go further in my suggestions without going too "if it were me". In my head I had begun to rewrite most of your first verse.

Think I start with "the boxes" ;) It's all about, why did things happen the way they did, could life not have taken another turn and leave the narrator in a happier state of mind.

1. Lovestory starts, against some odds; (singing it more often, I think the party thing stretches out too much compared to the rest of the song, the "boring folks"-line is the weakest of all, it might disappear sooner or later)

2. Both of them made mistakes, being too careful, not making commitments, so she asked him to move in with her but he hesitates, later he regretted his reaction and proposed, this time she hesitated, they missed their chances to show the other their true feelings

3. End of relation, breakup (after all disappointing moments (hurting both of them and weakening their love), now fighting and even suspicion, --> fatal blow
I think I understood the point of the story ;) Pretty much the same as my own Dance Only Meant For Two (which had soooo many more improvement points)...
However, when I read the boxes, I see the whole point of the song in the second box. The other two are just dressing up.
And moving in, getting married... well, does the first hesitation really matter if they've finally gone through with it? Why lament this hesitation when they've broken up long after getting through with it? It's your question to answer of course, but as a listener I just didn't buy it. Same with the third: do they break up from relationship weariness or at the height of a crisis? It's like you can't decide between the possible stories, and you want all of them in the song. They get diluted and lose their strength.

Looking at the song as a whole I like the boxes, the structure and the music and some of the lines (not all), but I also know some of the words and lines are not so great. Not sure if this can be turned in really good lyrics at all but this is not my focus at the moment. As you know I'm focussed on learning performing and for that I need some OK songs, do a guitar arrangement and learn to play and sing them.

I asked for a proof read of the lyrics so that there are no obvious mistakes but otherwise live with a couple of compromises in the lyrics for the time being. I think since there are so few lines in the song and all lines have to be "why" questions, it's quite difficult to condense a whole story into it and some of it will remain cryptic.
If that's annoyment I read I hope you forgive me and just disregard everything above. I leave it up in case I'm wrong. In case, just this: maybe with focusing on the final crisis instead of every crisis in the relationship, you'll save space and gain meaning.

"Chat up": found it in my online dictionary but never heard it either, just a dictionary word maybe.
No no, I meant it is spoken language. But in my experience, you say "chat someone up", not "chat up with someone".
"barely": hmm, of course you're right but "hard to bear" does not sing well
Exactly why you need another turn of phrase ;)
"Kiss's": trying to make a mono syllabic word out of it
I don't think that's something you can go around :P

All the best with the song :)

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Anne Elder
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Re: Oh Why (FAWM 2016)

Postby Anne Elder » Tue Aug 15, 2017 6:20 pm

OK slightly amended lyrics, I'll have to leave it for now (compromising) or I won't get further with my performing plans :roll:

Oh Why - did I go to that party at all?
Wasn’t a friend of mine and I was tired as hell
Oh Why - didn’t I leave right away?
Those boring folks wasting time were so hard to bear (talking trash spoiled my day)
And why - did you walk up to me
to let all this madness begin?

Oh why - didn't you move in with me?
When love still young and nothing was in between
Oh why - didn’t I just say yes?
When you proposed that lovely night out on the lake
And why - didn’t we just take the chance
to let our love grow into something grand?

Oh why - did fighting replace our kisses?
Arguing about only trifles and shit
Oh why - did suspicion creep in our life?
Chasing away the last butterflies
And why - did I let you go
did I let you go?

Oh why - does the earth move - without you?
When my world is falling apart

Ohh why


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